The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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