woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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