I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
