You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
