I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
well most of my day revolves around power hour
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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