Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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