I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Randomize
