Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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