Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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