Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
