I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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