Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
