Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
