He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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