Your tits are I can't wait for
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
