there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
