god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
