What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
