When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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