I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
