official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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