Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
