bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
