So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
