tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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