birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
