Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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