wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
