she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
