Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Randomize
