stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i think my cat just said my name.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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