I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
