Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
