I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
