i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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