maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
