Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You took a bar mat shot.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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