Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
