party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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