so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Im part way to drunk.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
