Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
