just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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