did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
