Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
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