Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
