I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
