Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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