Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
