I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
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I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
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I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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