Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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