and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
