so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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