I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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