Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
