Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
