best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
