HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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