The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
