If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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